\u201cNAME?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDennis. Dennis Mobray.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAge?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSix.\u201d<\/p>\n
The woman at the desk looked up at him over her glasses. \u201cOK. Slightly bolshy sense of humour. I\u2019ll make a note of that in the character profile. A lot of people\u00a0don\u2019t like that. But some families do, actually.\u201d She scribbled something lower down on the page. \u201cSo, let\u2019s start again. Age?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThirty-six.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThank you. Now, your original family configuration.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIs that really relevant?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDennis,\u201d the woman sighed. \u201cWe are trying to achieve the best fit possible for you and your host family. Of course the makeup of your original family is relevant in order to assure the success of your holiday visit.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBut, Shirley,\u201d he started.<\/p>\n
‘Christmas was torture. I just want to watch boxsets on TV’<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
\u201cI\u2019m sorry, my name isn\u2019t Shirley.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBut the nameplate \u2013 \u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThis isn\u2019t my desk. I\u2019m filling in while Ms Nott is away.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, right. Sorry. My appointment was with Shirley Nott. Anyway, what I wanted to say was that I don\u2019t want to spend Christmas with anybody. I hated my family. Really, I hated them. Christmas was torture every year. So I don\u2019t want to go anywhere. I just want to sit in front of my TV and watch box sets. Is that so bad?\u201d<\/p>\n
The woman sighed again and put down her pencil. \u201cDennis,\u201d she said, \u201cI understand your anxiety about the situation, but really, there\u2019s no cause for concern. Since the government decided to do something about the increase in suicide during the holiday period by ensuring that everyone had a family to go to, it\u2019s out job to ensure that everyone is paired with just the right family for them. So, if you\u2019ll just co-operate now, we\u2019ll do everything in our power to make your holiday period a happy one.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBut\u2026\u201d Dennis struggled. \u201cI\u2019m sorry, what is your name then?\u201d<\/p>\n
She looked back down at the files on her desk and continued to go through them. \u201cHolly Green.\u201d<\/p>\n
Dennis flinched, but continued. \u201cThanks, Holly. It\u2019s like this. I just don\u2019t want to be with anyone on Christmas Day.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOf course you do,\u201d said Holly as she finished with one file and began to study the next. \u201cEveryone wants to be with someone at Christmas. So, let\u2019s see\u2026 \u201cI\u2019ve a nice family here, just perfect for you. It\u2019s a lovely elderly couple with two adult children, both with spouses of their own, and the son has two sons of his own who just love to play football. You can all go outside and kick the ball about while gran and the women prepare the meal. The grandad got a replacement hip recently, so he just stays quiet in front of the telly watching the Queen\u2019s speech and Dad\u2019s Army and drinking cider.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIsn\u2019t that a bit sexist? That\u2019s exactly what contributed to my mother dying so\u00a0young.\u201d<\/p>\n
‘He doesn’t swear quite as\u00a0much, will have the four children, his mum, auntie and cats’<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
\u201cOh, dear, didn\u2019t I tell you to explain your family circumstances? Let\u2019s try another\u2026 Ah, here\u2019s one. Not the same ages, but the father is a foodie, a big Gordon Ramsay fan, so he\u2019ll be preparing a holiday meal special. It does says here he doesn\u2019t swear quite as much as he used to, you\u2019ll be glad to hear. He\u2019s divorced, so I\u2019m afraid his wife won\u2019t be there, but he\u2019ll have the four children, ages three to 12, his mum and his auntie. You don\u2019t mind cats, do you?\u201d<\/p>\n
Dennis slapped his hands on the table. \u201cListen, this is ridiculous. I don\u2019t want to spend the holidays with any family. Nobody. Not even the Holy Family. Do you understand?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m sorry, Dennis, but there\u2019s nothing I can do. It\u2019s regulation. So let me see if I can find another home for you \u2026 \u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, Holly, that\u2019s it. I don\u2019t want another family. Where is Shirley, anyway? Can I just again when she\u2019s back?\u201d<\/p>\n
Holly sighed again. \u201cI\u2019m afraid that\u2019s not possible, Dennis. She won\u2019t be back in the office until after Christmas.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh,\u201d said Dennis. \u201cI\u2019m sorry, is she ill?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo. Well, prevention, really. She does go a bit funny this time of year, so the doctors have recommended she travel somewhere where they don\u2019t celebrate Christmas. So she\u2019s in Jaipur until after New Year\u2019s.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, good God,\u201d Dennis groaned.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, that\u2019s just given me the most wonderful idea!\u201d said Holly. \u201cYou can go to her family. Her parents have just got back together again and her brother will be on parole starting next week. They\u2019ve actually requested someone open and friendly \u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
Dennis stared at her, open-mouthed, as she got out the file. \u201cIt says here \u2026 oh, by the way, do you know how to disarm someone with a knife?\u201d<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u00a0A version of t<\/em>his story originally appeared in the German magazine\u00a0<\/em>Spotlight<\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
\u201cNAME?\u201d \u201cDennis. Dennis Mobray.\u201d \u201cAge?\u201d \u201cSix.\u201d The woman at the desk looked up at him over her glasses. \u201cOK. Slightly bolshy sense of humour. I\u2019ll make a note of that in the character profile. A lot of people\u00a0don\u2019t like that. But some families do, actually.\u201d She scribbled something lower down on the page. \u201cSo, let\u2019s […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[5,21],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-188","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-blog","category-sketches"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/christine-madden.com\/de\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/188","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/christine-madden.com\/de\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/christine-madden.com\/de\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/christine-madden.com\/de\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/christine-madden.com\/de\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=188"}],"version-history":[{"count":7,"href":"https:\/\/christine-madden.com\/de\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/188\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":199,"href":"https:\/\/christine-madden.com\/de\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/188\/revisions\/199"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/christine-madden.com\/de\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=188"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/christine-madden.com\/de\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=188"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/christine-madden.com\/de\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=188"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}